Conspiracy Nation -- Vol. 9 Num. 90

("Quid coniuratio est?")


1.) The stock market will continue to go up, up, up. Driving this will be the simple fact that the rich are getting richer. As the gap between rich and poor continues to widen, this will be reflected in the rich man's haven for funds, Wall Street. Corporate yes-man Bill Clinton, totally at the mercy of the corporados (due to a Fibber McGee closet full of skeletons) will dance to their tune. Look for the yet relatively untapped privatization bonanza (a la Mexico) to pump New York's financial machine chock full of money to play with. How about privatizing social security, huh? Think how much mad money that will give Wall Street.

Of course, Wall Street is filled with shady characters. This is one factor working against a rise in the stock market. Stock market associates are among the shiftiest looking persons imaginable... such as Alan Greenspan, for example. What's that you say? Alan Greenspan is not associated with the stock market? Oh yeah??

2.) Hillary Clinton will not be indicted in 1997. Kenneth Starr has a nice job; do you think he'll want to take on the extra burden of real work by indicting someone big like Hillary? If he did, he'd have to take all kinds of heat and he'd have to do the real work of prosecution. Why not just shuffle papers, form committees to "look into the matter," and periodically send out mysterious "insiders" to whisper in the ears of too-trusting guerrilla journalists? Even this editor has been contacted by one of these mysterious fellows, who urged a prompt secret meeting at the Indiana border. "Why not just tell me over the phone?" I asked. "Because you have the most tapped phone in Champaign, Illinois," was the breathless reply. If I had gone to the Indiana border meeting and received the so-called "sensitive data," no doubt it would have sotto voce informed me that lazybones Starr was about to get off his ass and do something. Perhaps this "sensitive data" would have been handed to me by a mysterious stranger, wearing a patch over one eye and a trenchcoat! Hoo boy, Conspiracy Nation, have I got a hot story for you!

Would the DEA actually risk winning the "War on Drugs" by doing something like going after the big bankers? Hey, DEA is not stupid. If they ever won the "War on Drugs" they'd be out of a job. Will Kenneth Starr actually risk losing his present peaceful past-time by really doing anything? Look for Starr to finally release his "Special Report" (a la Iran-Contra's Walsh) right about the year 2000. In it he will use phrases such as "serious questions" and "grave concerns."

3.) Hillary Clinton will lose weight and resemble the good-looking chick she was in 1992. Until now she has been burdened with grief and sorrow over the death of her beloved Vince Foster. Her grief had expressed itself by overeating, but now the season of mourning has ended. And who can blame Hillary for an affair with Vince Foster? Look at the guy she's married to! Go ahead, Hillary, lose some weight and even find true love once more! Go get 'em, Hillary!

4.) The American public will, by and large, continue to out-do the ancient Romans in their gladiator worship. They will mostly sit on the couch, eat, and watch endless football, baseball and basketball on television. As long as their bellys are full, hey, what do they care!? "Give them bread and circuses," nod the Caesars of Washington, knowingly.

5.) There will be a major "terrorist" event, such as the Oklahoma bombing. The corpse of the American body politic will jump off its couch, galvanized, and twitch about, exclaiming that it is "angry" and "concerned" and "something must be done." A week later, the galvanized corpse will have settled back on the sofa for more rah-rah endless sports entertainments.

6.) The major "news" media will continue to prop up Bill Clinton, unless they are signalled to do otherwise by their corporate owners. If Bill Clinton should attempt to do something honest and decent, such as in any way favoring the interest of working stiffs, look for the maajor "news" networks to suddenly "discover" that there is something strange about the death of Vince Foster. Get the message, Bill? Do like we tell you, or else we'll actually report on you.

7.) Taxes will go up, but in hidden ways. Look for "safety taxes," such as implemented by Illinois Governor Jim Edgar. "Little Jim" raised fines for speeding from $75 to $150 overnight. It's not that he's raised your taxes, you see. It's just that he is mightily concerned about your safety.

8.) The Pope, a.k.a. The Potato, will die in 1997. This Pope is no longer young and sexy and must go. The Catholic Church needs revenue enhancers, a.k.a. converts, and the current Potato is no longer fulfilling super-salesman quotas for the Church. He will not necessarily be assassinated exactly, but subtle maneuvers will hasten his demise -- such as, not top-notch care from his physicians or not the best food from his cooks. With his dying breath, he will piously forgive Conspiracy Nation for its "sins." The new Pope will get rid of that awful, tacky "Pope-mobile," the auto used by the present Potato, and will replace it with something a little more hep.

9.) Chicago will boom economically. With Bill Daley of the infamous Chicago Daley political dynasty as Commerce Secretary, Chicago politics has landed in that "Rome on the Potomac," Washington, D.C. You remember all of Sherman Skolnick's reports on Chicago politics? Well if you thought corruption under Ron Brown was bad, wait until you see what Ron Brown II can do. First Arkansas machine politics came to that little town that rules the world; now, look out: the Chicago machine has arrived in Washington, D.C.

10.) Sherman Skolnick will continue to pursue stories on Jay Rockefeller, a harmless Senator from West Virginia who has become Skolnick's Professor Moriarty.

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Aperi os tuum muto, et causis omnium filiorum qui pertranseunt. Aperi os tuum, decerne quod justum est, et judica inopem et pauperem. -- Liber Proverbiorum XXXI: 8-9