Conspiracy Nation -- Vol. 11 Num. 23

("Quid coniuratio est?")


            "Wee Willie Clinton runs all around.
            He's uptown, downtown, in his night-gown."

"Wow! Hubba-hubba! Look at that chick!" exclaims Governor Bill Clinton (Arkansas) to an Arkansas State Police bodyguard. "Go get her! I'll be up in my hotel room."

Paula Jones, a state employee, is summoned to meet with the then-Governor of her state. She enters Bill Clinton's hotel room. The door is closed behind her. By way of introduction, Bill Clinton says, "You sure are a fox! Have you ever 'done it' with a real live Governor before!?"

She is embarrassed. The smooth young Governor makes his next move. He pulls down his pants and exposes his erect member. "Kiss it," he commands.

Bill Clinton's penis must have been erect. A sworn affidavit by Ms. Jones, as reported in the Washington Times (10/15/97), describes the "distinguishing characteristic" of Bill Clinton's penis as "a distinctly angled bend visible when the penis is erect."

In 1969-74 we had "Tricky Dick" Nixon. Today, we have "Crooked Dick" Clinton.

Governor Bill did not "score" with Paula Jones, but he has been lucky with numerous other sexual "conquests." For example, the leonine Lothario had a jolly time with former Miss Arkansas, Sally Perdue. Says Ms. Perdue:

When I see him now, president of the United States, meeting world leaders, I can't believe it... I still have this picture of him, wearing my black nightgown, playing the sax badly; this guy, tiptoeing across the park and getting caught on the fence. How do you expect me to take him seriously? (Spotlight, 2/7/94)

So you see, Sally Perdue even still gets a chuckle from our Mr. Bill.

Bill did another funny thing one time when he needed a haircut. He was President and in Air Force One, on the runway. But it was time for a haircut! Bill Clinton must have had a laugh when he caused air traffic to grind to a halt while a barber was brought aboard. "Snip, snip, snip," went the barber's shears; "Haw, haw, haw," laughed Bill Clinton as he lorded it over delayed airline passengers.

Now Bill Clinton is down in South America. Prior to arrival in Brazil, the Clinton team asked the entire nation of Brazil, equal in size to the continental United States, to temporarily suspend daylight savings time. (Brazil is in the southern hemisphere.) Brazil was asked to go back to standard time while Big Bill was there so that the laugh-a-minute leader's "scheduling" problems would be eased. (Electronic Telegraph, 10/14/97)

In Brazil on October 14th, the Brazilian people tried to get in on the fun our chief executive inspires. Crowds threw manure on Bill Clinton's limousine as it snaked through the city of Brasilia. (AP 10/14/97) The practical joke did not seem to anger Bill, who was not "burned up" about it. But when the Brazilians next burned Clinton in effigy, he must have been wondering, "What's funny about that?"

Next stop is Argentina for the big, goofy guy from Arkansas. After that, who knows? Bet on this: there's bound to be laughs-a-plenty!

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