("Quid coniuratio est?")
FLYING HIGH WITH COMMANDER BILLY JEFF
"A Scenario"
[...continued...]
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Hillary caught sight of Marie, the French maid. "Come here, Marie," she purred. Marie dutifully obeyed.
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"I note your conduct in the Lincoln Bedroom with my husband, Billy Jeff," said Hillary.
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"But Meez Heely! He was chasing me!"
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Hillary ignored her. "You're fired, you slut! Pack your bags and get on the first train back to France!"
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"But Meez Heely..."
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Hillary glared. "Don't back sass me girl, or I'll scratch your eyes out! Go pack your bags! You're fired! Get out!"
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Marie ran off, sobbing.
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The Commander was in Air Force One, flying down to Arkansas and Dan Lizard's promised wild party.
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Billy Jeff looked up, and was surprised to see Dylan Thomas! The deceased author was somehow standing there, smoking a cigarette.
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"Let's 'rap', Mr. Thomas," suggested Billy Jeff. "Come on, what do ya say? I'm an intellectual, just like you. Hey, ya know what else -- I'm a Yale man."
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"You are a pimp. Bend over, so I can grind out my cigarette on your ass," the dead author replied.
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"Say! You can't talk to me like that!" shouted Billy Jeff. But then the room became filled with, it seemed like, thousands of faces, all of them burning with great hatred for Commander Billy Jeff!
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Billy Jeff woke, screaming. "Igor! Igor!"
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"Igor" Stephanopoulos came rushing from the forward cabin of Air Force One. "Yes, master?!" he inquired, alarmed.
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"Oh, Igor, it was terrible! Dylan Thomas said I was a pimp, and then everybody hated me! They hate me, Igor! They hate me!"
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Igor sat down beside Billy Jeff and consoled him. "No, master. No, they don't hate you! They love you!"
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"No, Igor, they hate me! The American people all hate me!"
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"Why no, master. Why, look out the window. Down there in America they all love you!"
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"They do?" blubbered Billy Jeff.
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"Yes!" lied Igor. "Everybody loves you!" Then, because it usually assuaged the frightened Billy Jeff, Igor suggested they both sing their special song. "Come on! Let's sing the old Oxford song!"
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"Yes!" Billy Jeff clapped his hands excitedly. "The old Oxford song!"
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They both began to sing:
Oh Oxford, we remember you.
Smoking pot and chasing chicks
And even sometimes we'd
Open a book or two!
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They exploded in laughter. "I feel better now!" exclaimed Billy Jeff.
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Billy Jeff lurched forward towards the cockpit. "I want to see the view from up there," he explained.
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He entered the cockpit, where Captain "Flyin' Jack" McCord was piloting Air Force One toward Arkansas and Dan Lizard's cocaine party.
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"Wow... Look at all those controls," said the Commander. He paused a moment, then asked, "Say... Do you think you could let me fly the plane for awhile?"
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Old "Flyin' Jack", veteran pilot of so many C-130 flights between Arkansas and Nicaragua, turned toward Billy Jeff. His jaw dropped in amazement. "You've gotta be kidding."
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"Naw... Come on. Let me try flyin' it."
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"No way."
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Billy Jeff moved toward Flyin' Jack. A look of menace appeared in his eye. "Say... You look depressed, Captain McCord. You're not about to commit 'suicide' are you?"
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"O.K. You can fly the plane." Flyin' Jack vacated his seat and Commander Billy Jeff occupied it.
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Billy Jeff lit a marijuana cigarette and took a deep drag. He looked toward Flyin' Jack. "You want a hit?" he asked.
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"No, thanks," replied McCord.
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"Suit yourself." The Commander took another drag. "Say... Where's the accelerator on this crate?"
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Flyin' Jack showed him the throttle, and Billy Jeff opened it up all the way. Air Force One began to pick up speed.
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"Hey! This steering wheel not only turns, but it can also tilt toward me!" exclaimed a surprised Billy Jeff as the aircraft went into a steep climb.
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"Yahoo! We're flyin' high!" shouted Commander Billy Jeff as he took another puff on his "reefer".
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"Hey... You know, in theory, we could fly this baby way high! I mean, in theory, we could go into outer space!" theorized Billy Jeff.
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But just then a squawking sound began to be heard on the "squawk box". It was Hillary!
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"Billy Jeff! Get me Billy Jeff!" she ordered.
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"I'm right here, my dearest," replied Commander Billy Jeff.
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"Billy Jeff! Turn that plane around NOW!! That is an order, Mister!"
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"Aw but, my sweetest, I'm on an important diplomatic mission!"
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"Save that shit for the newspapers!" screamed "Meez Heely". "You've promised to attend the Econo-Feminists meeting, and the sisterhood ain't gonna like it if you don't show. So turn that plane around now, or there's gonna be Hell to pay!! Over and out!"
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A reluctant Commander Billy Jeff yielded to this "higher power" and relinquished control of Air Force One to Flyin' Jack McCord.
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"Aw gee whiz! I never get to have any fun," he complained to no one in particular.
I encourage distribution of "Conspiracy Nation."
Coming to you from Illinois -- "The Land of Skolnick"